FROM VICTIM TO RESPONSIBILITY
Hi, my name is Stephanie and I have a new life in Christ. I am recovering from anger, fear of man, and pride. This week I am struggling with procrastination.
In John 5 we read about the man who had been sick for 38 years. It says…
“Afterward Jesus returned to Jerusalem for one of the Jewish holy days. Inside the city, near the Sheep Gate, was the pool of Bethesda, with five covered porches. Crowds of sick people—blind, lame, or paralyzed—lay on the porches.
One of the men lying there had been sick for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him and knew he had been ill for a long time, he asked him, “Would you like to get well?”
“I can’t, sir,” the sick man said, “for I have no one to put me into the pool when the water bubbles up. Someone else always gets there ahead of me.” Jesus told him, “Stand up, pick up your mat, and walk!”
Instantly, the man was healed!
He rolled up his sleeping mat and began walking!
But this miracle happened on the Sabbath, so the Jewish leaders objected. They said to the man who was cured, “You can’t work on the Sabbath! The law doesn’t allow you to carry that sleeping mat!”
But he replied, “The man who healed me told me, ‘Pick up your mat and walk.’”
“Who said such a thing as that?” they demanded. The man didn’t know, for Jesus had disappeared into the crowd. But afterward Jesus found him in the Temple and told him, “Now you are well; so stop sinning, or something even worse may happen to you.”
Then the man went and told the Jewish leaders that it was Jesus who had healed him.”
John 5:1-3, 5-15 NLT
Was this man a victim of his circumstance?
First, he was sick for 38 years. That is a really long time to carry the burden of an illness. We don’t know what the illness was or when he got sick. But from the story, we can gather that at this point in his life, he had a choice to make.
Second, who did he blame for his lack of healing?
He blamed everyone who wouldn’t get him to the water. He didn’t take any responsibility.
Third, and this might be conjecture – inferring what isn’t there – but, I have always wondered something.
If he couldn’t get to the water because no one would carry him there, then how did he eat? Who cared for his other needs? Did he find some benefit in his plight? Was there gain to be had by remaining a victim of his illness?
Did he get attention? Sympathy? Did it keep him from having to be responsible?
We don’t know from the story. All we know is that Jesus offered him a choice when he asked “Would you like to get well?”
Would you call yourself a victim?
In late summer 2005 I found myself gasping for air – praying my son didn’t walk out the door – as my husband stood over me, choking me, banging my head against the cold concrete floor of the garage. He was drunk and I had said the wrong thing.
A neighbor heard the commotion and called the police. “Thank God we were outside” was my repeating thought as I waited for the police to arrive.
I remember feeling helpless, afraid the police would believe his story over mine. Fearful they wouldn’t take him with them.
I had plenty of chances to leave before that day. Many signs that this anger was bubbling inside of him.
I walked on eggshells- they felt more like shards of glass – always hoping I’d say the right thing and not look at him wrong.
I had plenty of chances to leave.
Pride kept me there.
He was my second husband. I couldn’t let another marriage fail.
I couldn’t fail.
And I couldn’t just leave. My name was on that house. It was mine!
He should leave. Not me.
But I was too afraid for my life to tell him to go. I was a victim trapped in fear.
Until that night he almost took my life.
I survived.
And I didn’t let him back in.
I was no longer a victim. Though I was left with a lot of pain and insecurity.
Fast forward 12 years.
It is the last day of spring break. I had been shopping with my daughter that morning and, as we rounded the corner into our neighborhood, I dropped her off at the neighbor’s house. She was taking care of her best friend’s dog while they were out of town.
He was a beautiful, gentle, black and white Akita. And my daughter was like family over there. She seemed to spend more weekends there than she did at home. She could tap on her chest and he would jump up with his huge paws and put them on her shoulders as she pet him.
That morning, my daughter struggled with the lock on their front door and called me to come help.
Within minutes of going into the house and onto the back porch, that beautiful, gentle, huge, Akita attacked me.
Mauled is a better word. He broke my right arm and ripped muscle from my left arm.
I spent the next 7 months recovering and regaining full use of both hands.
I was once again, a victim. Attacked. Damaged.
We are all victims. There isn’t a person on this earth who hasn’t been wronged, hurt, cut off, misunderstood, skipped over, under valued… in some way.
But you don’t have to be the victim. You don’t have to carry it.
You don’t have to own the event.
You don’t have to continue to be victimized by it.
You are an adult and adults have and make choices.
I could have chosen to become a victim of the dog attack. That could have played out with me being afraid of dogs, angry at the owners, bitter that my life was now forever different. My body forever different.
And I definitely had my pity party moments.
How did I move from victim to victorious?
Forgiveness of the situation, all parties involved- including the dog and myself.
Recognizing my part in the situation – how did I contribute?
So what would you say were the ways that I contributed to almost dying in my garage?
When I look back at the situation – when I look back at the marriage – when I look back at the relationship before the marriage.
I can see many really bad decisions that I made.
I can see how I met this man online and invited him to come live in my house after meeting him in person only a few times.
We had great times together. We’d laugh. But when he drank, there was no laughter.
Only anger.
I remember promising myself, at one point in my youth, that I would never stay in an abusive relationship. I remember promising myself that I was better than that.
But then here I was in an abusive relationship, afraid to leave, afraid for my son.
At the same time I made the choice. I saw the signs, and I made the choice to stay.
We even argued on the way to get married. And I was too afraid to say, “Maybe we should wait.”
I take full responsibility for that. Because a lot of heartache could have been stopped before it ever started. See when we got together, I saw the anger.
But he didn’t start drinking until after we got married. And it amplified what was already there inside of him.
But I had seen the signs.
And I allowed my insecurity. I allowed my pride to keep me in that situation, let them rule me.
Parts of me inside my soul were screaming, “Stop. Get out!”
But the outside of me didn’t know how to move. I was frozen.
So yes, I am a survivor of domestic violence.
My ex-husband, almost killed me.
But I choose to take responsibility for seeing the signs and not leaving, for being prideful, for allowing the fear of man ruin my life. To listen to that voice that whispered, “What would other people think, if you got divorced again?”
And that is not his responsibility. That is my responsibility.
And what about the dog.
He was a cute dog. He was pretty. What was my responsibility? The only thing I can think of is I stepped out into his territory.
Now, these dogs are known to have episodes. They’re very loyal dogs to their family. Thankfully my daughter could be considered his family.
My daughter was there often. I was not. I was a stranger in his home on his deck. I found out later that when I reached out to upright a pot that was on the back deck that he had a bone in the pot.
So now I was reaching out for his possession – for his bone. That is when he bit me the first time.
How could I have known?
Other ways that I could have lashed out as a victim?
I can’t tell you how many people, when they heard about my situation, asked me, “Are you going to sue?” Every time they asked me, I felt ill.
It gave me a bad feeling in my stomach. That felt like revenge.
The homeowners didn’t do anything. They weren’t even there. They didn’t train this dog up to be vicious. He was the beloved family pet. We had gone over there a couple of times for barbecue here and there for Fourth of July.
My experience of the dog prior to that day was of a gently aloof family dog.
The homeowners did not raise an angry dog. They didn’t beat him.
He was their baby.
So why would I sue them for something that wasn’t their fault. I couldn’t blame them. I could blame the dog. We kind of think just something clicked in his head. Right. Something just flipped. We’ll never know.
The dog is not around anymore. Everybody always asks that.
But, for me to not be a victim of the dog and my resulting injuries, there were several things that I had to do, and they’re the same things that I had to do to not be a victim of my ex husband.
I had to recognize the event, the situation, what occurred.
I had to forgive those that hurt me. I had to forgive myself for my responsibility in it. And I had to decide that I wasn’t going to let it ruin me.
Going back to John 5, I want to ask you the same thing that Jesus asked the sick man, “Would you like to get well?”
You have a choice to play full out here in Regeneration.
You have the opportunity to be vulnerable in your Inventory, completely honest in your Confession to your mentor and small group.
Repent of the things that were your responsibility.
To follow Christ’s example
To forgive fully – those who harmed you, and even yourself for those bad decisions.
You have the opportunity for healing – if you really want it.
And you have the choice to hold on to your story, hold on to the benefits of being a victim, to continue hurting.
And you have the choice to take responsibility.
Through responsibility you will find freedom.
Which do you choose today?